Chapter 2 Narcissism
from the book "RootEd: How Trauma Impacts Learning and Society" by S.R. Zelenz
Of all of the things humankind can spend their life energy on,
Narcissism is the largest waste.
Yet entire generations and societies have been enslaved to it for centuries….
Narcissism Defined
The American Psychiatric Association defines Narcissistic Personality Disorder in their Diagnostic Manual IV as characterized by a “pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and lack of empathy” (APA, 2013, p. 174). Recent debate by the American Psychiatric Association has been whether it should be continued to be included in further diagnostic manuals due to the pervasiveness of the behaviors within other personality disorders (APA, 2013, p. 67). Another key factor is that narcissism is found in the entire population in varying degrees. In essence, it is a fundamental core trait required for survival. The disorder occurs when it is kept at a rudimentary developmental stage.
Narcissism and Evolution
Narcissism is very prevalent throughout history. Although not fully acknowledged in psychology until the later 20th century, it is commonly stated that it is in a minority of the population that struggles with the disorder. However, all persons have some form of narcissism in their functionality. What this really discusses is not that it is a disorder per se. It is more a manifestation of truncated development.
As we have progressed throughout history with our understanding of the world, we see very distinct examples of narcissism gone unchecked. Much of it was widely accepted as the norm and entire nations were run by such structures. Narcissistic hierarchy would be an apt definition. Racism, sexism, adultism, etc. are all manifestations of narcissism gone unchecked. Political structures such as fascism, dictatorships, and similar power indoctrinated leadership are also founded in narcissism. Evolutionary processes would eventually eradicate these truncated developmental delays, but it takes centuries for this type of change to occur. This would also be in direct correlation with the amount of trauma experienced in childhood and adolescence - the time periods with heavy brain development.
Maturation and Narcissism
All children start life with narcissism as it is a core survival trait. Meeting one's needs to survive is essential. Where it goes wrong is when survival is threatened during key developmental periods. Essential needs during these developmental phases include love, physical connection, food, shelter, as well as protection from injury and emotional abuse. Without these key needs being met, the child's brain does not develop beyond the narcissistic state.
During my 26 years of working with children and parenting my own, I have seen direct correlations of behavior patterns between the age groups of 2 and 12 years old. There seems to be a distinct developmental stopping point at both 2 and 12. There is a very logical reason for this as these are two major milestones where a child will begin to assert themselves more confidently in the world.
Many refer to the terrible twos, when really what they are actually experiencing is agency. At this major developmental milestone the child is simply realizing they have a desire for things outside of basic survival and dependency. They need more than food, sleep, and safety. They want to explore. They want to do more than they have before. They do not understand danger and they merely want to learn. Parents are frequently exhausted by this constant adventure-oriented behavior. Many become quite aggressive and impatient with their children at this point. This is the point where they start to assert strong disciplinary action to truncate the child’s self-determination. This is frequently where many become permanently emotionally developed.
The refusal to allow supported curiosity and reinforcement establishes a craving to meet one’s needs however it needs to be done and rebellion is the number one method. The more a parent or caregiver disciplines, the more the child will rebel and protest. Having agency denied is a fundamental development milestone destroyer. The way in which the child is treated during this critical period will mark the future of the child’s overall capacity to empathize with others. Inherent selfishness becomes the primary motivation for survival.
I have frequently noted similar behaviors in my middle school grade classrooms. Children at 12 years of age demonstrate the exact same behavior as a two-year-old might, but at this juncture, they have a far larger vocabulary to select from in order to assert their agency. Many parents relent at the perceived vocal rebellion that initiates at this juncture of development. The common response is to punish and limit with punitive disciplinary action that once again motivates the child to feel resentment and rebel. Protecting children can be accomplished without such authoritarian action, but the most commonly utilized tactics are those that are aggressive in nature, both verbally and physically. The way in which the children are treated has an impact on the development of their brain at this critical stage of growth. Without proper guidance of their agency, they learn maladaptive reactions rather than learn constructive responses to challenge. When adults utilize such authoritarian mechanisms, they are also demonstrating their own truncated development. They do not have the communication skills to provide adequate response to being challenged, and instead opt for aggression similar to a toddler’s physical and verbal response (yelling, hitting, and threatening). In other words, they never developed skills beyond that first critical agency developmental phase.
How Empires Used Narcissism
This has been practiced for centuries in many cultures. However, not in all cultures. The cultures that were most heavily invested in such a response were those that had a history of predatory behavior designed to conquer other lands and peoples. Cultural cohesion was less important than aiding the Monarchy in achieving its goals. Adhering to this loyalty or threat of death if not adhered to, was the mechanism used by many empires who only viewed their people as pawns to achieve their personal narcissistic goals. Appeasing the masses with promises of protection, land, or other forms of wealth motivated loyalty. Acknowledgment of what this loyalty truly did to the family was secondary to the promises on offer from the empire.
China was the first to identify the manner in which properly trained government workers could be prepared for this level of loyalty. The Han Dynasty in 500 B.C.E. was the first documented evidence of compulsory schooling in the world’s history. What began as preparation for government workers exclusively, later became a means to prepare a workforce for mini emperors who would employ large numbers of people who needed to be programmed in a manner that would demonstrate obedience, ability to adhere to authority, and loyalty to the state followed by the employer. Family was last on the list of priorities. The family unit needed to be loyal to the state and employer as well.
Due to the trade on the Silk Road between China and Europe, this indoctrination methodology was eventually recognized by Prussia. Prussia was second to instigate compulsory education for their populace. This prepared future soldiers and employees for the Industrial Revolution in the same way that China had identified centuries before.
The Prussian [education] system [was] designed by Fredrick the Great. King Frederick created a system that was engineered to teach obedience and solidify his control. Focusing on following directions, basic skills, and conformity, he sought to indoctrinate the nation from an early age. Isolating students in rows and teachers in individual classrooms fashioned a strict hierarchy—intentionally fostering fear and loneliness. (The New American Academy, 2018)
What is critical to note is the statement, “intentionally fostering fear and loneliness.” This is a key ingredient in narcissistic abuse. I will discuss this later in this chapter. King Frederick ruled Prussia from 1740 to 1786. Under his monarchy, Prussia became one of the greatest states of Europe. His military power was immense.
He also emerged quickly as a leading exponent of the ideas of enlightened government, which were then becoming influential throughout much of Europe; indeed, his example did much to spread and strengthen those ideas. Notably, his insistence on the primacy of state over personal or dynastic interests and his religious toleration widely affected the dominant intellectual currents of the age (Encyclopedia Britannica Online, 2018, para. 2).
His influence was strong among his contemporaries and his astute focus on fighting any form of “enlightened” thinking influenced monarchies across Europe and Russia. America would follow suit in 1855 with its own compulsory attendance laws. What is critical to note with the timeline and indoctrination of such societal programming, is the order in which communism, fascism, and dictatorships would soon prevail. The murder of the monarchs is what set the tone for societal chaos. The society had been programmed to serve the monarchy. They had no cohesive strategy for self-governance. This made them incredibly vulnerable to predatory despots who saw the opportunity to utilize their narcissistic predatory behavior to ensnare entire populations to serve their own megalomaniacal desires.
The situation in America was different. With no monarchy to overthrow, the real challenge was the way in which compulsory education had been enacted a mere 10 years after the abolition of slavery. The country needed a workforce willing to comply with harsh conditions, long hours, and loyalty to the employer. Thus, the growth of unions in the early 20th century. Child labor laws had been enacted to abolish child workers, but then redirect them to schools who would program them to their future employer’s desires. Education rarely went past elementary grades, and only those who sought professions in law and medicine went beyond.
This is also when the first wave of feminism began. The right to vote and to be given any voice in the governance of their communities, was very important to women. They were met with harsh resistance that did not exclude physical violence, imprisonment, and death. Courting was closely monitored by families and marriage was still a financial contract as women were often not able to obtain employment that was not some form of factory work such as seamstresses or cleaning. A rare few owned businesses or co-ran family-owned businesses. Most were dependent upon men for their daily survival. The patriarchal structure was not new, and it also worked well with the narcissistic educational model that made people feel fear and isolation.
Narcissism as a Structure of Control
As previously identified at the start of this chapter, narcissism as a disorder was only recently identified as a problem. The most recent DSM has chosen to remove it as its own disorder since it is so intertwined with many other cluster disorders that promote antisocial behavior. The common behavior in all of them is narcissism. It is also identified by the American Psychiatric Association that every human has a bit of narcissism. The degree to which their expression of it varies. There is, however, a very predictable pattern that can be easily identified in any scenario.
Narcissistic abuse consists of three components. Those components are the narcissist/predator, their chosen victim(s), and the “flying-monkeys” rallied by the narcissist to reinforce their efforts and do their bidding. Very frequently, the narcissist will utilize the flying monkeys to actually do the abuse for them. This can be very clearly seen in the previously mentioned empires, especially when the monarchies fell and were replaced by dictators. The dictators themselves did not commit the crimes. They would rally the population to do it for them.
As identified previously, fear and isolation are key ingredients. The three primary goals of any narcissistic abuse pattern are: Fear, Obligation, and Guilt (FOG). There are also very predictable behavior patterns utilized to reinforce FOG. They are as follows:
Narcissistic abusers never apologize. They believe themselves to be above any potential wrong and as such deem themselves right at all times. If they do apologize, it is disingenuous and only serves to convince the receiver of the apology to give the narcissist what they want. However, they feel that they are the victims of their own wrong doing. The way in which they re-frame and project their own behavior onto others confuses the listener so that the listener at some point may feel at fault for what the narcissist actually did.
They believe themselves to be above reproach. Their perfectionistic self-ideal prevents them from acknowledging their mistakes or in taking responsibility for their actions. At this point, they project their mistakes onto others, who will likely be willing to take responsibility if the victimized position of the narcissist is worded convincingly enough.
They are incapable of self-reflection and self-analysis. Lack of self-awareness is a hallmark of narcissistic personalities. They hold an objective incapacitation that cannot be rectified by thoughtful communicative discourse. They do not reflect on their beliefs or their actions. Their impulsive behavior demonstrates their lack of analytical reasoning, and their behavior demonstrates a determination to fulfill their instant gratification over the well-being of those who may be impacted by such actions.
Inability to forgive. In addition to never apologizing, they also do not accept apologies. Their belief that they are entitled to whatever they wish, due to their perfect self-perception, they expect others to meet their every demand. Anything less is intolerable. They do not forget, and they are revengeful.
Their behavior is never selfless or thoughtful. Any notions of “generosity” come with an expectation of getting something they want. Generosity is not actual generosity. It is an unspoken acknowledgment of a debt to be repaid at will in the way the narcissist deems qualified to “repay” their “generosity.” Acceptance of “gifts” is really acceptance of debt.
They never reveal their real emotions. They like to be the center of attention and relish the spotlight. They will put on a show in order to maintain this attention. It does not matter if the attention is negative or positive. They are emotionally closed off to others. This is actually a protective mechanism developed early in life to protect them from something. This very likely could stem from their first attempts at agency around the age of two years old.
They are insensitive and not able to empathize with others. Due to their own inability to understand their own feelings, they are unable to understand the feelings of others. Insensitivity and tactlessness are frequent markers to note. Words they speak are provided without consideration of the impact on the audience who receives it. They are often perceived as reliable sources due to their lack of emotional connectivity to what they say. They know how to generate a reaction from others due to years of attempts to feel some kind of emotion. By creating emotional reactions in others, they get to experience these emotions. The only emotion they are truly in touch with is anger. Again, a direct result from their first attempts at agency. They experienced anger and they were the recipients of anger. This became an indoctrinated understanding early on. Through their charismatic speeches designed to provoke emotional reactions, they are able to manipulate others to follow them and trust them, despite the evidence that their words are false. This falls under the conditioning of flying monkeys and victims of narcissists who are programmed young to survive narcissistic abuse by choosing enabling behaviors (fawning) to protect themselves from the abuse.
Flying monkeys (enablers) and scapegoats (victims)
As mentioned previously, the enablers of the narcissist’s actions are the primary producers of the abuse done to victims. If a narcissist is approached by the victim and called into account for their actions, the enablers will defend the narcissist for fear of falling out of favor with the narcissist and facing retribution for not demonstrating loyalty. The way that a narcissist garners their loyalty is through promises, special acknowledgment, or some kind of privilege for doing as the narcissist requests. They are given “rewards” for going against their own beliefs and demonstrating loyalty to the narcissist. They are effectively handing over their agency to the narcissist when they participate in this exchange. When later called into account for their actions, they frequently use words such as, “it was my job,” or “I didn’t think I had a choice.” In some cases, they could have been threatened for not doing what was requested of them. A form of coercion or duress is enacted to force compliance. They are not allowed to question the validity or integrity of the instructions or the person giving them. Challenging the narcissist is not just discouraged, it is met with vehement aggression, threats, and threat of abandonment by the narcissist. Other threats include destruction of reputation, financial survival, or approval by the narcissist. The loyalty is only fully achieved after a lengthy grooming period of abundant attention, praise, and privilege. It is at this juncture where requests that go against the enabler’s own integrity will be requested of them. They have been chosen because they are special.
The scapegoat is the target of the narcissist’s abuse. The one they want to weaken, destroy, or control. The scapegoat is often identified as a threat to the narcissist. They demonstrate a strength that triggers insecurity in the narcissist. This strength can range from intelligence, physical appearance, privilege, success, financial prowess, and many other factors that trigger jealousy. The scapegoat may not even be aware that the narcissist even notices them. They may believe they are nothing special and don’t even see the things that the narcissist is jealous of. They are frequently minding their own business, and the narcissist will insert him or herself into the victim’s life to begin their grooming process to gain loyalty of the scapegoat. It is no different than the enabler grooming period. The difference between the two is that the scapegoat will not demonstrate loyalty. Their integrity is stronger, and they are much less likely to stand by and watch something happen to someone without speaking out. The narcissist may even begin destroying the life of the scapegoat long before they are threatened publicly by the scapegoat. They wish to weaken this “threat” before it has an opportunity to outshine or call out the narcissist’s behavior. So, they may systematically put things in place to ruin the scapegoat’s life yet do it in a way that makes them look like they are supporting and helping the scapegoat. This is when the flying monkeys are used to perform the actions that the narcissist does not want affiliated with them. After all, trust cannot be gained if they are caught in the act. The goal of the narcissist is to remove this threat and to keep them down so that they do not get in the way of the narcissist’s goals.
The following chapter will discuss how narcissism is programmed into populations and the effects it has on education and the way in which society functions as a whole.